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Today I was at the Mandarin Oriental hotel. It was work. It was also an unnecessary meeting. What was said during the meeting could have been said over the phone, or the e-mail or even the snail mail.

Malaysians however loves meetings. I loathe them.

As the meeting dragged into the hour, I had to find an excuse to take a breather. So off I went to the loo to relieve the lil' monkey.

The toilet was posh and clean. I was alone for a good second when this 50ish gentlemen walked in and occupied the pee basin next to me. What's with some people huh? Punyalah banyak tempat he had to park next to me.

Anyways, while enjoying my last few trickle, something happened. The bugger farted.

It was a wet fart. The kind that you know went off with more than just air. It was revolting. It was also funny as I thought this fella must've been embarassed. I was wrong.

He hit me with another one. This time it was a dry one. I couldn't tahan anymore and just broke out laughing while trying to ensure that my pee remained focused at it's target.

Then it came. The smell. It was the foulest smell that I've ever come across for a long time. It wasn't funny anymore. I zipped up and left. The bugger let go of another one while I was on my way out. It was a farting piss from him, and not a parting kiss.

It's already February. Did you get your bonus? If you are an employee, you should know by now whether your boss hates your guts or your "brown-nosing" antics worked.

If you got your bonus, well done. Work hard, stay out of trouble, compliment the boss on his ridiculous looking tie and pray that this time around next year you'll get that bonus again. If you have a lady boss, compliment her on anything except her husband.

For those who didn't get their bonus, here are few options:-

(i) Audition for Akademi Fantasia 3 (actually 4. Thanks Ms Yoga)

I hear that auditions are starting soon. To succeed, crop your hair really short ala Mawi (go to Kajang police station if your barber is closed) and dance like you've got a frog in your pants. It helps if you can sing.

(ii) Sell nasi lemak

You can do this in the morning before you start work. The secret is not in the sambal, it's the appearance. Discard the linen pants and put on your baju kelawar. Look like a Makcik. Slap on some bedak sejuk for good effect. People are more likely to buy nasi lemak from a makcik then a young cikurat. They think that the former cooks better nasi lemaks.

If you're a man, sell burgers.

(iii) Be entrepreneurial

Write some e-mails. Tell them that you are the long lost heir to the Kingdom of Walakalikutu and that you require their urgent help to transfer your funds to a trustworthy companion.

Trust me, there are suckers out there who will respond to your e-mails. I know of a few friends who did. Of course they all tell me that they only gave out a bit of money. From the painful look on their faces, I know that they paid out enough to make the lost King of Zwaliland happy.

If you don't think this works, then explain to me why you still get these kind of e-mails everyday.

(iv) Quit your job

If you're young, single and enthusiastic, then go for it. Move on until you find the right occupation and the right place to spend 9-10 hours working your butt off. The world is your oyster, as "Frankie Goes To Hollywood" use to say.

If you're not so young, married with kids and overdue on your credit card payments, see paragraph 2 above. Your job can't be that bad. See the guy in the picture?

2 posts since I started blogging and that was it. What can I say? When I jump on the bandwagon and started blogging, I thought it would be easy meat.

What's so difficult about blogging I thought then? It's just about writing anything that you want to write on. I could write about my grandma, my neighbour's cat who kept shitting in my garden and anything under the sun.

Alas, 6 months later I discovered that blogging requires discipline and passion. I have none of the above. I'm just purely lazy. No excuse.

Well, I have apparently achieved 1,000 visitors according to my previous site meter. It has however been reset to zero because I decided to fiddle with it and lost the old one. Who cares.

So today, I vow to be what I have not been. I shall be disciplined (Achtung!!). I shall be passionate as the morning dew on the grass (got this statement on one of the t-shirts I saw being sold in Petaling Street). I shall and I will blog.

Peace...

It was cheap to play Golf there. It has to be. Otherwise how can a debt ridden a.k.a Mr Overdraft me afford to play.

Once back in Malaysia, like all young turks who just came back from abroad and leaving their overdraft problems behind, I tried playing the game here. Like a true "Malaysia Boleh" fella, I refused to take lessons from pros. I thought I could rely on what Mahmood the butcher taught me.

I was wrong. I sucked.

I sucked then and I continued "suckering".


After a while they all stop accepting my invitations for a game.

The only thing I enjoy about Golf is being on the greens at 7 a.m while the sun is still not sure of coming out and the mist hovering over the green. Bliss.... and yeah, I just dig racing those Golf buggies man.

By the way, for you non-golfers, don't be misled by the photo of the very cool dude running with his birthday suit being chased by Mr Smith and the Bobby. There are only 18 holes to be played in a golf course.

Hole 19....well...we'll talk about that some other time.

Peace.....

Back then, Maya was not famous. I think she was still in college then. She was always with her mom whenever we went to see her. She was sexy and polite. Her politeness was what made her attractive. It was difficult not to get excited when seeing her.

Her mom was also nice. In fact, she reminds me of any typical makcik. She looks like one and was also unassuming and hospitable. Maya also had one younger sister and a brother. I only managed to get glimpses of her sister then. She looked a lot like a young Sofea Jane. I thought her sister was prettier.

Everytime kita orang datang, her mom would serve us some kuih and drinks, and Maya would always be there playing host. She was soooo manja and she knew that she always had our attention. Masa tu there was me, my friend and two other friends. Semua professionals. Semua bujang. Semua pokai. Sampai kes dia orang dah settle pun we all never charged them for our services. Suckers...

Visiting her house was an event that I had always looked forward to-lah at that time. That'll be the day yang I would put on my best tie, my best shirt, pakai underarm deodorant lebih sikit and put on setengah botol of brylcreem. Bila cakap pun buat suara macam Jallaludin Hassan. Macam sial.

Malangnya impian tidak menjadi kenyataan.

We knew that we were not in her dating list category when one day before leaving, a black Proton Putra drove into the compound of her house. Out came Alex Yoong.....hensem babe...Out we went with our tails between our legs, whimpering shamelessly. We knew then that our dreams will only become wet ones saja.... Reminds me of Sudirman's Gerimis di Lautan song "Apakan daya orang tak sudi".

Last year, I bumped into Maya at a client's office where she was being auditioned for a show. She saw me but didn't seem like she remembered me. Anyways, I went up to her and related the story of how I first met her. She just looked at me and said "Oh..what a small world kan?" and went on to read her magazine Damn, nampak sangat yang dia tak ingat kat aku langsung.

When I first heard about "Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam" punya storyline, I was so depressed. For a very long time I harboured an ambition to make a story about our Pontianak. I didn't want it to be another scary story but instead a love story. What Suhaimi Baba did was very close to what I had in mind. I was inspired by Bram Stoker's Dracula you see. Bram Stoker's version to me, is the best version of Dracula. Tak boleh complain-lah because I never told anyone about my version of Pontianak, nor did I publish it anywhere. For me to know and regret jer....

When I heard that Maya was the leading actress, I couldn't help but wonder that there's always that likelihood that I could have gotten to date her back then, could have quit my job back then, become a filmaker, and then go on to make my "Pontianak, kisah cinta" the movie. Pi lah!! Dream only lah!